Today is Valentines Day. What gift are you giving?

For those of you who are married: Do you want to give your husband or wife the greatest possible gift?

Let me tell you what that is: The greatest gift you could possibly give to your spouse would be to commit to living out your role as a Christian wife or a Christian husband by the power of the Spirit.

The book of Ephesians tells us how to do this. And the lessons begin not in chapter 5, but right at the beginning of the book.

The church, Christ’s bride, is chosen in Him before the foundation of the world to be holy and blameless in His sight (1:4). But He doesn’t say, “I’ve chosen you – so go make yourself worthy of Me!” Far from it. He Himself does the work to make us holy and blameless: He redeems us by His blood, thereby forgiving our trespasses (1:7). He even stamps His seal on us, giving us the Holy Spirit Himself; He guarantees that we will be holy and blameless, for He is the One who will transform us into Christ’s bride (1:13-14).

In chapter 2, Paul explains more of what this involves. We, on our own, were far from looking like an attractive, potential bride. Indeed, spiritually we were dead, decomposing, stinking, repugnant. We were naturally the objects of God’s judgment and wrath, not His love (2:1-3). But God loved us even in that disgusting state and united us to Christ, the giver of life. He raised us with Him, and even seated us with Christ on His throne in the heavenlies, the spiritual realm, so that He might show all just how rich His grace is (2:4-7).

Given that we deserve judgment but received mercy only because of God’s grace, and given that He chose us so that we might be holy and blameless, how should we then live? As new men, not as old men! We are made alive in Christ – yet we still live in this world and are tempted to behave like we did before. But knowing who we truly are, we are to put off that old, disgusting self. For those old ways of living are deadly; indeed, they are death. Instead, since we are children of God, act like it! We are “to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness” (4:24). You were once darkness, but now are light! Walk in the light, not in the darkness (5:8)! Take care, consider the way you walk – for it indicates who you are (5:15)!

How are we to do that while still living in fallen bodies in a fallen world? Only by tapping into the same power that made us alive in Christ: that is, by being filled with the Spirit, every minute of every day (5:18). For being filled with the Spirit is not an emotional experience (though joy should accompany any true filling). The Spirit empowers us to live as children of light.

The key test for whether or not we are filled with the Spirit comes in marriage. For marriage reflects the very relationship between Christ and the church that the entire book of Ephesians describes (5:32). In marriage, we have the opportunity to live out before the world what Christ has done for us: Giving us grace that we don’t deserve, loving us when we are unlovable. We then can model the unity, love, headship and submission, and perfection that characterize the relationship of Christ to the church.

For wives, the test is: When your husband is unlovable and harsh and demanding and deserving of wrath, do you nevertheless submit to him in everything (5:22-24)? And not only do you submit – do you also maintain an inner attitude of respect (5:32), even when you think he is wrong, even when you think he is misguided? Will you model the perfect, spotless Church in her response to Christ?

For husbands the test is: When your wife is unlovable and unresponsive and cold, do you nevertheless love her as Christ loved the church, laying down your personal preferences and desires for her? Will you give up yourself for her? Will you model Christ?

When husband and wife live out these truths, the marriage blossoms. When one partner lives out these truths, he or she is a great gift to the spouse, and becomes a glorious picture to the world of the grace of God.

So yes, indeed: The greatest gift you can give your husband or wife is to commit to living out your role in marriage by the power of the Spirit.

Let me emphasize those last five words: “By the power of the Spirit.” Because if you are like me, you husbands are thinking that you cannot possibly love your wife like Christ loved the church. And you women are thinking that you cannot possibly submit to your husbands in everything. I assure you, all of us struggle with this. Jesus tells us to be perfect as he is perfect. And not one of us is perfect.

But God has promised that His people will become perfect – He will change us and mold us into Christlikeness. Count on that!

Satan will try to say one of two things:

“You’re doing well enough in your marriage, at least better than most others; don’t be fanatical about this – you don’t need to change anything.” But I tell you, don’t be satisfied with a marriage that is less than perfect. Examine yourself. If you are failing to live up to these ideals, confess this to God, and ask Him to change you.

Or Satan might say, “It’s no use. If you could start over, maybe you could make this marriage work. But given your spouse, given all that has happened in your marriage, there is no hope.”

This is a pack of lies. Now, by yourselves you cannot change the habits of relating to each other you have created. “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5). If you try to change through depending on your own natural resources, you will fail. But remember these great truths from Ephesians:

You are raised with Christ; you are seated with him in the heavenlies!

You are light; You can walk as children of Light!

You can be filled with the Spirit!

All this is true. By conscious, continual dependence on the Spirit within you, you can forgive your spouse, you can change old, negative patterns of relating to each other; you can live out the ideal Christian marriage.

So let us learn to walk by the Spirit in our marriages, imitating the relationship between Christ and the church.

Husbands, love your wives.

Wives, respect and submit to your husbands.
May that be today’s Valentines gift.

(This is, in part, an excerpt from a longer document on marriage that Beth and I have written. See it in its entirety at this link.)