Someone sins against you terribly. You have a choice: Do you forgive or not?

At one level, the biblical answer is easy: Of course you forgive. When Peter asks Jesus if he should forgive the repetitious sin of his brother seven times, Jesus replies, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22). If someone hits you on the right cheek, you are to turn the other to him also (Matthew 5:39).

These and other Scriptures emphasize that we are not to take personal offense. We are not to become bitter. We are not to hold grudges. We are to forgive one another from the heart. Indeed, we are to put the interests of the other above our own.

Yet that last statement can lead to questions about how we respond to sin against us. If we really have the interests of our sinning brother or sister at heart, we want them to cease from this sin. Surely that is in their interests. If our attitude towards their sin enables further sin, aren’t we harming our brother or sister by that attitude?

Consider a common example, in biblical times as well as in our own: A spouse commits adultery. Is forgiveness the right response? Or does forgiveness enable further sin – “My spouse will always forgive me, so I might as well continue to fulfill my desires”?

In this case, we have a specific example in the book of Hosea. And the answer is rather complex.

God tells Hosea to marry Gomer, a promiscuous woman who will continue having affairs after their marriage. This violation of the marriage covenant pictures God’s people violating their covenant with Him.

Gomer’s adulteries eventually lead her to being sold in the slave market. Yet God tells Hosea once again:

“Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods.”…  So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver…. And I said to her, “You must dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you.” (From Hosea 3:1-3).

At God’s command, Hosea shows his wife great grace – buying the one who is already his, paying the price for her! This is tremendous forgiveness.

But this is not a license for her to continue in sin. Hosea is explicit: Their future relationship must be made pure; the adultery must cease. He must not respond to her sin by paying her back with his own affair; she must never return to that unfaithful life.

Just so with God and the people of Israel. God disciplines His unfaithful people (Hosea 2:5-13), eventually even destroying their country and sending them into exile. Yet all this is for redemptive purposes: He allures her, He speaks tenderly to her (Hosea 2:14), He purifies her now and forever:

I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. (Hosea 2:19-20)

So Hosea exemplifies not only God’s forgiving love, but also His cleansing, sanctifying love. The restoration of the relationship is not an invitation to further sin; it does not enable further sin; rather, it is the opportunity for the relationship to become what God always intended marriage to be: An exclusive one-flesh relationship that in love, in grace, in mercy, and in holiness pictures His relationship with His people.

And this is what we find as part of the Bride of Christ: If we see God’s forgiveness in Christ as a license to sin without consequences, we are sorely wrong. We dishonor God. We trample on the blood of Christ (Hebrews 10:26-29). Indeed, if we persist in that attitude, we will receive no forgiveness. God does not forgive us so that we might continue in sin.

Rather, we are like Gomer: God forgives us so that we, His Bride, guilty of being adulteresses in the past, might return and seek Him, and so recognize and come to His goodness, thereby living to the praise of His glorious grace.

If that’s the relationship between God and His people – if that’s the reality behind every marriage, indeed, behind every marriage stained by adultery – how can we live out these truths, how can we picture these realities when we are sinned against?

These Scriptures lead to four clear principles – even though the outworking of the principles in specific cases is challenging:

First: Offer complete personal forgiveness. This does not downplay the severity of the sin against you; rather, this magnifies the extent of your much greater sin against God, for which He has forgiven you in Christ (Matthew 18:21-35).

Second: The sin should not remain secret, only known to the two of you. The adulteries of Gomer, the spiritual adultery of the people of Israel, are made public. How many people should know about this sin will vary from case to case. If the couple is part of a grace-oriented church that effectively practices church discipline, discussing the sin before the church body can be an important part of the healing process. But in every case, bring in wise Christians who are biblically sound and desire both your good and the glory of God – even if, especially if, the erring spouse does not want that to happen. Covering up the sin may seem to be good for the sinner, but it is that very cover-up that enables and makes more likely future sin. And that is the worst that can happen to the sinner.

Third: Work to restore unity and trust. Both have been violated terribly. Yet God has made the two one, even though we have worked to destroy that unity. Nevertheless, what God has joined together, man must not separate (Matthew 19:6). The restoration of unity and trust will take time; a period of physical separation may be part of the process of restoration. Once again, including others at this stage is necessary. Form a plan on how to go forward together with a wise Christian couple, and build in accountability for both spouses to that plan.

Finally: Christ perfects His Bride, making her holy (Ephesians 5:25-27). We see one way that happens in Hosea 2:14, where God says to His unfaithful Bride: “I will allure her … and speak tenderly to her.” Love the errant spouse. Woo him or her. Not in a grasping, needy sense – “I can’t live without you, please come back to me!” – but out of confidence in God, out of trust in His sovereign kindness, knowing you are forgiven such great sin, and knowing that He can take a heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26), He can grant repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth and escape from the trap of the devil (2 Timothy 2:25-26). Love – and pray for God to act.

By God’s grace, your errant spouse – and anyone who sins terribly against you – can be a living example of God’s forgiving, redeeming, perfecting love. You can be His agent in bringing that about. The pain is real. The sin is great. Justice must be done. But if you are in Christ, justice was implemented at the cross; you are forgiven a much greater sin. So forgive from the heart. And may God be pleased to work through you and other Christians to glorify His Name even through such a terrible sin.