My Excellent Wife, My Valentine

[This devotion is a shortened, edited version of the sermon preached December 29, 2019, our fortieth wedding anniversary. You can listen to that sermon via this link.]

In the afternoon of December 29, 1979, Beth and I were married.

Though we didn’t really understand what was happening, in that ceremony God made the two one (Matthew 19:6).

In the following days, we spent some time at Surfside Beach, pondering what had happened. I had thought that since we already loved each other, since we already were committed to each other, the ceremony would just act to formalize our relationship for others; the relationship itself wouldn’t change all that much.

How wrong I was. How ignorant of biblical truth. I began to get a taste of that truth during those days at Surfside.

As Tolstoy writes in Anna Karenina concerning a fight between spouses early in a good marriage:

It was then that [Levin] clearly understood for the first time what he had failed to understand when he led [Kitty] out of the church after the wedding. He understood that she was not only close to him, but that he could not now tell where she ended and he began. He realized it from the agonizing feeling of division into two parts which he experienced at the moment. He felt hurt, but he immediately realized that he could not be offended with her because she was himself.

Beth and I have been one now for forty years. Out of that unity, I want to fulfill Romans 12:10 by showing honor to Beth, this excellent wife, via Proverbs 31.

In Proverbs 7, a father warns his son against the allure and call of an adulterous wife. In contrast, Proverbs 8 consists of the call of another woman: Wisdom personified. Lady Wisdom says that to fear the Lord not only leads to our avoiding evil but to our hating it (Proverbs 8:13).

Then Proverbs 9 presents both Lady Wisdom and Dame Folly calling out to us. Wisdom calls us to find true life in following God; Folly calls us to rebel against Him, which leads to death.

So we must listen to Lady Wisdom, wisdom personified, and reject Dame Folly.

Proverbs 31 concludes the book, and once again calls upon us to look to a woman for wisdom. But in this chapter we look not to wisdom personified in the abstract, but to wisdom lived out in our mothers and our wives. This chapter gives us examples of different ways wives and mothers are like Lady Wisdom, so that we might learn to live wisely ourselves day by day, whether we are male or female, old or young, married or single.

So now let’s turn to the text. I’ll identify nine characteristics of the excellent wife, and share some examples of how Beth lives the out.

First: The excellent wife is wise, fearing the Lord

Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. (Proverbs 31:30)

The theme of Proverbs is that the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge and wisdom. Thus, we should train our daughters and sons to have such fear, and praise those who live it out.

But often instead we reserve our greatest praise of others for their charm and physical beauty.

Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with charm and beauty. However, Dame Folly can appear charming and beautiful. Thus charm and beauty can be deceitful, for they promise what they on their own cannot deliver: endless joy in delighting in physical beauty or an engaging personality. Physical beauty will fade; every personality is flawed – for all have sinned. So if you trust in charm and physical beauty, you will be disappointed.

Understand: It is good and right for me to delight in Beth’s physical beauty; it is good and right for me to be attracted by her charm. Indeed, I should cultivate those desires, and deepen them towards her (see this sermon on Proverbs 5 and 6 text audio). But her beauty and charm are not deceptive because she fears the Lord, because she has biblical wisdom. So that is the most important reason to praise her

Second: The wife is excellent and strong

“An excellent wife who can find?”  (Proverbs 31:10). “Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.” (Proverbs 31:29). Other translations render the the word translated “excellent” as “noble” or “virtuous.” Yet the underlying Hebrew word includes a connotation that none of those English words communicate: Strong. Indeed, “strength” is the root meaning of the Hebrew word. It is used, for example of Gideon in the phrase translated “mighty man of valor” (Judges 6:12). One translator thus translates the word, “valiant.”

The wife’s strength is emphasized in Proverbs 31:17 (“She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong”) and Proverbs 31:25 (“Strength and dignity [or ‘majesty’]) are her clothing.”)

So this woman is virtuous, honorable, and strong; she has the moral character and fortitude to be a blessing to her family and to her society.

I could tell multiple stories of Beth displaying such strength, but one in particular stands out. In August of 2001, we flew to Cameroon to serve for an academic year at a seminary. The day after our arrival, we apportioned our sixteen boxes of luggage and six children in two vans to make the eight-hour drive from Douala to Bamenda. I was in the van driven by Victor, together with three sons including our youngest, six-year-old Joel. The other van with Beth and the rest of the family had left Douala prior to us.

About two hours into the trip, we came around a corner to find a pickup laden with fruit making a U-turn right in front of us. Victor tried to avoid the vehicle, but we hit the right rear of the truck hard. Something smashed the windshield; our luggage rammed forward, breaking the anchors in the rear seat, pushing it against the front seats. I jumped out of the car and opened the rear door. My two older boys were shaken and somewhat bloodied, but seemed ok. Joel, however, had a deep puncture wound in his leg. The calf was hard as a rock from internal bleeding. I feared it might be broken.

In an unfamiliar country, with an injured child, uncertain of what to do, I was at a loss. But by the grace of God the other van, having stopped at a computer store, arrived about five minutes after the accident.

Beth immediately displayed her strength. Churning on the inside, she remained calm. She was steady. She was decisive. Joel did not seem to be in immediate danger – we could go on to Bamenda where much better medical care was available.

That night in an email to supporters, I wrote: “[I was] so thankful to have her there, with her always cool head and uncommon good sense.”

Strength and dignity are her clothing.

Third: The excellent wife is trustworthy

The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain. She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life. (Proverbs 31:11-12)

Verse 12 is the foundation of verse 11. Because the husband knows she is doing him good, not harm, always, he trusts her.

At one point a few years ago I was upset about something Beth had said or done that could be interpreted as unsupportive. I felt as if she wasn’t behind me. So I communicated this to her at some length. When I finally stopped talking, she initially didn’t say anything, instead just looking at me. Then very calmly, very graciously, she simply said, “After all these years, don’t you know me?”

I did know her then – and she called me back to what I knew.

I trust her completely. I can hardly imagine not trusting her.

Fourth: The excellent wife speaks wisdom

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:26)

It’s possible to be wise without communicating that wisdom. Wise instruction is as important as wise actions.

The phrase rendered “teaching of kindness” in the ESV is difficult to translate; others render it “law of kindness,” “faithful instruction,” or “loving instruction.” The main idea: How do you live a life of loyal love before your spouse, your family, your neighbors, and society?

Titus 2:3-4 gives a partial answer: Older women are “to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children.” It has been my great privilege to see Beth live this out in private conversations, in pre-marital counseling, in crisis counseling, and in our family.

Fifth: The excellent wife is a diligent provider

The point here is not simply that she meets physical needs. Rather, she loves her family by providing food and clothing.

Much of the chapter details how she does this:

  • She “works with willing hands” (Proverbs 31:13)
  • “She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness” (Proverbs 31:27)
  • She brings food, makes cloth, makes bed coverings, and sells garments she has made (Proverbs 31:14, 19, 22, 24)
  • “She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household” (Proverbs 31:15)

We all are faced with an abundance of temptations to fritter away our time. We can spend hours and hours flipping through items on our phone, seeking entertainment and thrills, keeping up with the latest news or gossip or sports information, to no good effect.

Beth is much like this Proverbs 31 wife. A relaxing evening for her is spent in her sewing studio, or reading a good book – often a book recommended by one of her children or friends, thus deepening that relationship.

Sixth: Through her diligence, her household is safe and secure

  • “She laughs at the time to come” (Proverbs 31:25).
  • “She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet (Proverbs 31:21).

These verses help us properly interpret this often misunderstood verse:

“Her lamp does not go out at night” (Proverbs 31:18).

Verse 18 refers not to her diligence, but to the security of her household. The lamp of the household’s prosperity continues even in dark times

Remember, Scripture tells us proper sleep is a gift of God: “It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep” (Psalm 127:2). Proverbs 31 commends disciplined, productive work, accompanied by restful sleep, as you trust in the Lord.

Seventh: She is generous and sincerely concerned

“She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy” (Proverbs 31:20).

Generosity includes much more than providing monetary support. We can give money and not be “generous” in a biblical sense (see this sermon from 2014 text audio).

Beth lives out the showing of sincere concern in practical ways. Several years ago she reached out to a young Burmese mother. After learning who she was and what she was missing, she began to teach her to sew. Now the Make Welcome sewing ministry teaches dozens of students; many make clothes for themselves and their families, and several graduates are employed doing what they love.

Make Welcome is about much more than money and clothes, however. The time together produces joy, smiles, friendships, healing, safety – and they all hear of Jesus, whatever their religious background.

Eighth: The excellent wife blesses her husband

“Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land. (Proverbs 31:23)

The husband is respected because of what he has become through his wife. Just so in our marriage. I am a far better pastor, a far better father, and a far better son because of who Beth is, because of how she has influenced me, because of how God has changed me through her.

Ninth: So her family praises her

“Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: ‘Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.’” (Proverbs 31:28-29)

What does the husband mean by, “You surpass them all”?

He is not making an objective, comparative statement of fact: “I have investigated all other wives, all other women, and you come out on top!” That would be impossible – but that also would be of zero importance in God’s economy (rather akin to Jesus’ disciples arguing about who is the greatest).

Rather, “You surpass them all” is similar to the statement about sexual desire in Proverbs 5:19:  “Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” It is good and right for my sexual desires to flow deeply towards Beth; indeed, I should work to deepen those desires, yet keep them well-channeled toward her alone.

So the message from Proverbs 5 is: “I have the privilege of knowing you sexually in ways no one else can, and I have the deepest delight in who you are, who we are together.”

The similar message of Proverbs 31 is: “I have the privilege of knowing your character, your love, your wisdom in ways no one else can, and I have the deepest delight in who you are, who we are together.”

And to you, Beth, I add: Some can give an appearance of deep wisdom and love for others. I see you at all times – I see you even at your worst. And I praise you for genuine wisdom and genuine love.

So husbands and families: Delight in the way God has used and strengthened your excellent wife or mother. Thank Him for her fear of Him for the wisdom she therefore has. State your appreciation for the role she plays in society, in your family, and in your personal life.

So here we are, forty years into our marriage. God took two naïve young people and made us one; He has guarded that unity these four decades. Maybe He will give us another four decades of marriage. Maybe we have little additional time together.

But, Beth: To live as one with you has been a huge privilege. I delight in who you are, in how you reflect the person of Jesus, in how you love me when I am unlovable, in your gracious wisdom and diligent service, in your genuine beauty and enduring charm, in your love for our Savior and your delight in Him.

Thank you for forty years of ever-deepening delight.

All of you, ask: What other women do I know who exemplify some aspects of this practical wisdom?

  • Praise them.
  • Emulate them.
  • Encourage them.
  • Listen to their instruction in how to love.

For the excellent wife of Proverbs 31 fears the Lord. She knows that apart from God’s grace, there is no hope for her and others. She knows that Lady Wisdom is a pointer to Jesus: He calls. He says, “Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). The excellent wife knows rest is found nowhere else, only endless striving or destructive dissipation. She knows that various deceitful calls of Folly all lead us away from dependence on the Lord Jesus.

So listen to her. Like her, fear the Lord. And thereby deserve the praise that accords to the excellent wife.

Dealing With Trials in Marriage

[By Carrie Vaughns. Carrie gave this devotion at Angela Otchere’s bridal shower on August 25. ]

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” – James 1:2-4

I’m sure many of us have heard sermons related to James 1:2 when James said to ‘count it all joy’ when we encounter trials. Typically, those sermons focus on the “joy” part. But what is ever said about the “when” part?  Notice that James doesn’t say “if” you meet trials. He says ‘WHEN you meet trials’. And then he follows that up by saying ‘trials of various kinds’. So in other words, you MOST DEFINITELY will face ALL types of trials in this life. And in marriage with two sinners in covenant relationship with each other for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do they part, the trials will be multiplied. So Angie: with this being said, I felt it would be good to talk about how best to prepare, before the trials in marriage come.

  • ELIMINATE “NEGATIVE THINKING” – When trials in marriage come our way, it’s very easy to entertain a negative thought, it’s very easy to justify a bitter attitude, and it’s very easy to harden our hearts toward our husbands. Those of us here who are married know exactly what I’m talking about. It’s not like we pray for negative thoughts and bitter attitudes towards our husbands. In the spur of the moment when the trial rears its head, these thoughts and attitudes just pop up out of nowhere! And if they aren’t dealt with, they could lead to hardness of heart, long term hardship and marital strife, and enmity against our husbands. But praise God that we have a remedy in scripture. In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Apostle Paul tells us to “take every thought captive to the obedience of Christ”. Take EVERY single thought captive. Are we filling our minds and hearts with the Word of God or with ideas that are destructive?  Are we looking to apply biblical principles to everyday circumstances, or do we choose worry or condemnation as our default response?
  • CHECK YOUR PRIDE AT THE DOOR – Pride and insecurity form the root of many struggles in marriage. They manifest themselves in a number of ways: an unyielding desire to be right, not wanting to lose face with my spouse or others, a reluctance to admit needing help or wise counsel, a refusal to look at my own inadequacies and inconsistencies. Proverbs 16:18 says “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” When the heart is filled with pride, you will fall over and over and your marital struggles will increase more and more. We must always be examining our hearts; we must always pray and ask the Holy Spirit: Are there areas in our hearts that stubbornly refuse to bend to the Lord’s instruction due to pride? Also, constantly ask yourself: “Am I trusting the accountability partners God has placed in my life when they see a red flag that needs my attention?”
  • FORGIVE AND APOLOGIZE FREELY – Piggybacking off the pride theme from the last point: everyone in this room has at one time or another struggled with pride because our hearts can be very prideful. Pride causes us to not want to admit and apologize when we sin and causes us to not want to forgive and move on when we’ve been sinned against. So therefore, in marriage we have to LEARN how to apologize quickly and forgive our spouses. The ability to forgive and apologize is absolutely VITAL in marriage because when you have two flawed sinners living life together under one roof day in and day out, you are going to sin against one another. Over and over and over. So, you’ve got to be able to admit and apologize when you sin against your husband and you’ve got to be able to forgive and move on when he sins against you. And how do we do this? By being humble. Scripture tells us in James 4:6 ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ As we grow in humility, we will grow and learn to forgive when we’ve been sinned against and to admit, apologize, and repent when we’ve committed sin.
  • HONOR YOUR SPOUSE WITH YOUR WORDS – Always seek opportunities to honor, build up, and praise your husband because God has entrusted a lot of responsibilities to him as the head of the home and the leader of the family. He has a lot on his plate and he’ll need constant encouragement because this is not an easy path that God has called him to walk. However, there will come times in your marriage when you’ll have to confide in someone about issues, problems, and struggles that you and your husband are going through. And sometimes there may be things that are discussed that will cause your husband to be put in a negative light. While Scripture teaches us to seek wise counsel (Proverbs 12:15), it also warns us that, “a gossip goes around revealing a secret, but a trustworthy person keeps a confidence” (Proverbs 11:13). It is wise to choose a small group of trusted advisors for accountability and counsel. However, failing to guard what you say about your husband to others (especially if it’s negative) is not wise at all.
  • SUBMISSION and UNITY – Ephesians 5:22 says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Pastor John Piper describes biblical submission like this: “Submission is the calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership, and to help carry it through according to her gifts.” As wives, we are to come alongside our husbands and to honor and affirm their leadership. We are also to make them feel appreciated, admired, respected and loved. It may sound easy but it can be quite challenging to do, especially in those moments when he’s not leading well and not loving you well. But that’s the call for us wives. And the beauty of the call is that our Sovereign God calls us to it and He provides us wives with sufficient grace to live it out. Our husbands get the encouragement, we get the joy, God gets the glory.
    Along with submission is unity. Two become one; you are equal with him. He is your ally, not your enemy. Theologian Matthew Henry beautifully describes marital unity like this: “The woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

Angie, these are just some things that I wanted to share with you as you get closer to the big day. Three weeks from today, you and Rob will say “I do” and commit to each other for life. And praise God that many of us will have the privilege of witnessing that! But rest assured, the marriage trials WILL come. So get ready. Hopefully there are things from this devotion that will help you prepare for them. And even though you have an adversary who hates marriage and would like nothing more than to see you fall from the trials and to try to separate what God has joined together, you serve a Sovereign God who loves you and Rob unconditionally and is faithful to uphold and sustain you through any trial and tribulation that you will face. May the Lord bIess you and keep you, sister!

The Grace to Forgive, the Grace to be Made Holy

Someone sins against you terribly. You have a choice: Do you forgive or not?

At one level, the biblical answer is easy: Of course you forgive. When Peter asks Jesus if he should forgive the repetitious sin of his brother seven times, Jesus replies, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times” (Matthew 18:21-22). If someone hits you on the right cheek, you are to turn the other to him also (Matthew 5:39).

These and other Scriptures emphasize that we are not to take personal offense. We are not to become bitter. We are not to hold grudges. We are to forgive one another from the heart. Indeed, we are to put the interests of the other above our own.

Yet that last statement can lead to questions about how we respond to sin against us. If we really have the interests of our sinning brother or sister at heart, we want them to cease from this sin. Surely that is in their interests. If our attitude towards their sin enables further sin, aren’t we harming our brother or sister by that attitude?

Consider a common example, in biblical times as well as in our own: A spouse commits adultery. Is forgiveness the right response? Or does forgiveness enable further sin – “My spouse will always forgive me, so I might as well continue to fulfill my desires”?

In this case, we have a specific example in the book of Hosea. And the answer is rather complex.

God tells Hosea to marry Gomer, a promiscuous woman who will continue having affairs after their marriage. This violation of the marriage covenant pictures God’s people violating their covenant with Him.

Gomer’s adulteries eventually lead her to being sold in the slave market. Yet God tells Hosea once again:

“Go again, love a woman who is loved by another man and is an adulteress, even as the Lord loves the children of Israel, though they turn to other gods.”…  So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver…. And I said to her, “You must dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you.” (From Hosea 3:1-3).

At God’s command, Hosea shows his wife great grace – buying the one who is already his, paying the price for her! This is tremendous forgiveness.

But this is not a license for her to continue in sin. Hosea is explicit: Their future relationship must be made pure; the adultery must cease. He must not respond to her sin by paying her back with his own affair; she must never return to that unfaithful life.

Just so with God and the people of Israel. God disciplines His unfaithful people (Hosea 2:5-13), eventually even destroying their country and sending them into exile. Yet all this is for redemptive purposes: He allures her, He speaks tenderly to her (Hosea 2:14), He purifies her now and forever:

I will betroth you to me forever. I will betroth you to me in righteousness and in justice, in steadfast love and in mercy. I will betroth you to me in faithfulness. And you shall know the LORD. (Hosea 2:19-20)

So Hosea exemplifies not only God’s forgiving love, but also His cleansing, sanctifying love. The restoration of the relationship is not an invitation to further sin; it does not enable further sin; rather, it is the opportunity for the relationship to become what God always intended marriage to be: An exclusive one-flesh relationship that in love, in grace, in mercy, and in holiness pictures His relationship with His people.

And this is what we find as part of the Bride of Christ: If we see God’s forgiveness in Christ as a license to sin without consequences, we are sorely wrong. We dishonor God. We trample on the blood of Christ (Hebrews 10:26-29). Indeed, if we persist in that attitude, we will receive no forgiveness. God does not forgive us so that we might continue in sin.

Rather, we are like Gomer: God forgives us so that we, His Bride, guilty of being adulteresses in the past, might return and seek Him, and so recognize and come to His goodness, thereby living to the praise of His glorious grace.

If that’s the relationship between God and His people – if that’s the reality behind every marriage, indeed, behind every marriage stained by adultery – how can we live out these truths, how can we picture these realities when we are sinned against?

These Scriptures lead to four clear principles – even though the outworking of the principles in specific cases is challenging:

First: Offer complete personal forgiveness. This does not downplay the severity of the sin against you; rather, this magnifies the extent of your much greater sin against God, for which He has forgiven you in Christ (Matthew 18:21-35).

Second: The sin should not remain secret, only known to the two of you. The adulteries of Gomer, the spiritual adultery of the people of Israel, are made public. How many people should know about this sin will vary from case to case. If the couple is part of a grace-oriented church that effectively practices church discipline, discussing the sin before the church body can be an important part of the healing process. But in every case, bring in wise Christians who are biblically sound and desire both your good and the glory of God – even if, especially if, the erring spouse does not want that to happen. Covering up the sin may seem to be good for the sinner, but it is that very cover-up that enables and makes more likely future sin. And that is the worst that can happen to the sinner.

Third: Work to restore unity and trust. Both have been violated terribly. Yet God has made the two one, even though we have worked to destroy that unity. Nevertheless, what God has joined together, man must not separate (Matthew 19:6). The restoration of unity and trust will take time; a period of physical separation may be part of the process of restoration. Once again, including others at this stage is necessary. Form a plan on how to go forward together with a wise Christian couple, and build in accountability for both spouses to that plan.

Finally: Christ perfects His Bride, making her holy (Ephesians 5:25-27). We see one way that happens in Hosea 2:14, where God says to His unfaithful Bride: “I will allure her … and speak tenderly to her.” Love the errant spouse. Woo him or her. Not in a grasping, needy sense – “I can’t live without you, please come back to me!” – but out of confidence in God, out of trust in His sovereign kindness, knowing you are forgiven such great sin, and knowing that He can take a heart of stone and turn it into a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 36:26), He can grant repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth and escape from the trap of the devil (2 Timothy 2:25-26). Love – and pray for God to act.

By God’s grace, your errant spouse – and anyone who sins terribly against you – can be a living example of God’s forgiving, redeeming, perfecting love. You can be His agent in bringing that about. The pain is real. The sin is great. Justice must be done. But if you are in Christ, justice was implemented at the cross; you are forgiven a much greater sin. So forgive from the heart. And may God be pleased to work through you and other Christians to glorify His Name even through such a terrible sin.

All Good Is Because of Jesus

Listen carefully to what our Lord Jesus says:

Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. (Matthew 10:37-39)

That is: If we love anyone in our family more than we love Jesus, we are dishonoring Him; we are therefore not worthy of Him. If we do not deny to ourselves whatever prevents us from following Him closely, we are dishonoring Him by implying that these activities or people or pleasures are more important, more vital for us than He is; we are therefore not worthy of Him. Indeed, Jesus goes on to say that to succeed in everything we put our mind to in this life, but to lose Him, is to lose everything, to lose the only true life, and thus to fail at what is most important; but to give up whatever is necessary to follow Him – even what we think is the way to success, to joy, to fulfillment – is to find true life, what is most fulfilling and joyful.

Note first: If Jesus said these words and was not Immanuel, God with us, God in the flesh, He was not a great teacher or even an admirable man; these are the sort of words that cult leaders say to their followers. But if He was who He claimed to be, then these words point us to our greatest joy, our greatest good.

Second: Think of what Jesus is saying about family, and about all other good things in this life:

  • Family is a great gift. We are to honor our fathers and mothers (Exodus 20:12). We are to rejoice in our children, seeing them as gifts from God (Psalm 127:3-4).
  • Fulfillment in life is a great gift (John 10:7-10).
  • Accomplishment is a great gift (Proverbs 3:5-6).
  • Riches and honor and health are all gifts (1 Chronicles 29:12).
  • The ability to work hard is a great gift (Deuteronomy 8:18).

So if all of these come from God, what is the problem with loving them?

The problem is seeing them as something other than what they are, gifts. We don’t earn them. We don’t deserve them. We don’t create them. They are granted to us by a gracious God “who makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust” (Matthew 5:45). And He grants them to us – to all humanity – only because of Jesus.

Why only because of Jesus? Because God would have been perfectly righteous to have ended the human race with the first disobedience of Adam and Eve (Genesis 2:17). There would have been no more grace, no more gifts to men. But because He planned to crush the head of the serpent via Jesus, the descendant of the woman (Genesis 3:17), because He planned to send forth His Son in the fullness of time for the redemption and adoption of His people (Galatians 4:4-5), and because the redemption through Jesus would redound to the praise of His glorious grace (Ephesians 1:3-14), He spared them, instituted His Great Plan, and for millennia has granted undeserved gifts to all of mankind. Apart from Jesus, therefore, we have none of these gifts.

But Jesus is not only the source of all these good gifts, the reason we have any good – He Himself is far and away the greatest good.

Thus, while family is a great gift, Jesus is both the Brother par excellence (Romans 8:29) and the true Husband that every good marriage points to (Ephesians 5:25-32). While accomplishment and honor are great gifts, Jesus defines the greatest accomplishment and grants the only honor worth having (2 Timothy 4:6-8).

So, when we see Jesus for Who He is, we find that in Him we have unspeakable joy (1 Peter 1:8) – joy that is found nowhere else. Therefore, thank Him continually for His gifts – and gladly give them all up if that’s necessary to follow close to Him.

An Excellent Wife Who Can Find?

Friday September 29 marks 40 years since our first date.  Beth and I were students at Davidson. I had been in Kenya from January to August; Beth had been in Europe spring term, then worked in Shenandoah National Park during the summer. That year she lived in Mt Mourne, off campus. After cross country practice that Thursday, I drove out to her house; we mixed and kneaded bread, leaving it to rise while we went for a walk in the woods nearby (now Lowes corporate headquarters).  Returning, we baked the bread, made a salad, ate the first of thousands of wonderful meals together, and then looked at slides from Kenya and discussed what that trip meant.

When most of my friends asked me about Kenya, they wanted a five minute response. I was frustrated with that – the time in East Africa had affected me profoundly, and I was sorting through how I had changed. Beth, on the other hand, wanted a several hour response. She asked questions. She listened. She talked about how Europe and Shenandoah had affected her.

Five weeks previously my girlfriend of over two years had broken up with me. I had rather enjoyed dating just for fun in the intervening weeks, and was in no way looking for another serious, long-term relationship. But as I drove home that night I knew: Either Beth and I were not going to keep seeing each other, or this would be a serious relationship. And I couldn’t imagine not seeing her.

I just about destroyed the relationship right at the beginning. A few days after our first date, while walking down Main St, I ran into a girl I had dated a few times. We started going the same direction – and she took my hand. I was uncomfortable, but I had not yet said anything to her about Beth, and that didn’t seem the time or place to talk. So we were holding hands, and Beth drove by. I didn’t see her. She did see me – us – but wondered, was that really Coty? Beth decided to forget about it.

Two years and three months after that first date, we were married. That’s how I found an excellent wife.

At the time, I did not even know how to describe an excellent wife biblically. My conception of marriage was quite a mishmash of popular culture, marriages I had seen, and not-well-thought-out ideas about partnership and equality. But in God’s grace, He put the two of us together, made the two of us one on December 29, 1979, and has since washed us with the water of the Word, strengthened us by His Spirit, and nourished us through each other.

“Charm Is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised” (Proverbs 31:30). So let me turn to praise:

Beth, your outer beauty is fleeting only in the sense that everything in this world is passing away. In forty years, there has rarely been a time when I did not think you were the most beautiful woman in the room. Thank you for the attention you pay to your health, to your physical condition – and thank you for the many runs, hikes, and rides we have done together.

But your inner beauty is beyond compare. Even in Davidson days, an older man said of you, “She is so gentle – and yet so strong!” Those words characterize you time and again. You have displayed your strength in six births, after traffic accidents, in emergency room visits, when I have let you down, and when others have hurt us. And you have shown your gentleness to our children and grandchildren, to weeping friends, and to a hurting husband.

Naturally God graced you with these traits. Supernaturally He expanded and extended them, in calling you to Himself, in gracing You with His Spirit, in implanting in you a deep love for Him. He enabled you to be as He is in the world (1 John 4:17), to show not only your natural gentleness and strength, but to point to His gentleness, His strength, His forgiveness, His love, His goodness. And you display Who He is daily, hourly – whether through teaching a refugee woman to sew, helping your parents build a walkway, or laughing with your children about our foibles.

Thank you for helping me to see our unity, and for being my ally in the fight to maintain and deepen it. “They are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, man must not separate” (Mark 10:8-9). As you know, in Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy says of Levin and Kitty (in the middle of a fight!), “He could not now tell where she ended and he began.”  Just so with us. Our lives are intertwined, molded together – not in an unhealthy codependency, but, strengthened by our Lord, complete in Him, together we miraculously picture the unity of Christ and His Church. What a privilege to do that together with you.

Beth, you are far more precious than rubies. I love you with all my heart. Should God grant us another forty years together, I will be blessed above all men.

Taste and See that the Lord is Good!

[This devotion is the sermon from last Saturday’s marriage ceremony of Joel Pinckney and Louise Goodfellow in Chapel Hill.]

Joel, you have heard many wedding sermons from me, including four at your siblings’ marriage ceremonies. We’ve spoken on many other occasions of marriage as a picture of Jesus and His Church, and the unity, love, headship/submission, and perfection that God intends in marriage.

In addition to the joys of marriage, we’ve spoken of its challenges and trials – and thus the necessity of commitment and the constant need for dependence on Christ.

You know I came near to destroying my marriage 35 years ago, and God worked through those problems to show us His grace, His love – indeed, to show us what marriage truly is.

You’ve heard of the necessity of forgiveness, of keeping short accounts, of the centrality of forbearance.

You know of the need for marriage’s compost pile, where you can take the tough parts of your relationship and leave them, so they become fertilizer for later growth.

You’ve seen the complicated portrayals of marriage in Scripture, as well as in the novels of Wendell Berry, Leo Tolstoy, and other authors.

But this afternoon, for you and Louise, I want to emphasize a different point – a point found in Psalm 34 from which we read.

I’ll highlight two verses in this psalm of David, say a few words about the circumstances in which he wrote it, and then draw out some implications for your marriage.

First, Psalm 34:1: “I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth.”

Notice David’s emphasis: He doesn’t just say, “I will bless the LORD; His praise shall be in my mouth.” Rather, he underlines that he will do this at all times, continually. There will never be a moment when he will not be praising the Lord.

And out of that praise in his heart, in Psalm 34:8 he exhorts his listeners, including us: “O taste and see that the LORD is good!”

That is, for us today:  Don’t just acknowledge the fact that the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ is good; don’t just check a theological box that says, “Oh, yes, Jesus died on the cross for my sins.” Taste that truth. See that truth:

  • When the hummingbird hovers outside your window,
  • When the clouds turn yellow then orange then deep red
  • When the moon moves in front of the sun near midday on Monday
  • When a rabbit hops across your path on an early morning walk
  • When a friend counsels you and encourages you and stands beside you
  • And, yes, when in a few moments you commit the rest of your life to the one you love:

See that these are all good gifts, tokens of love from the One who loves you with a love that surpasses knowledge; taste His goodness in each of these experiences, and thereby fulfill verse 1: Bless the Lord at all times. Continually have His praise on your lips.

Here today, in this lovely setting, with these beloved friends and family, standing together with your one true love, I’m sure you do taste and see God’s goodness.

But now, let’s turn to the circumstances in which David wrote this psalm. He had just come out of a very severe danger, during which he seemed to have lost all earthly hope, all earthly expectation of success. Furthermore, he continued to be in a weak position as he wrote, with only a handful of men around him,             under potential attack both by the armies of his own country and by suspicious leaders of a foreign nation. So his future looked bleak and uncertain.

In addition, in the midst of such danger, in the absence of earthly hope, he knows his life is brief, like a mist. Indeed, as he will write later in Psalm 39:4-5: “Let me know how fleeting I am. . . . Surely all mankindstands as a mere breath!”

Therefore, realize: It is in tough circumstances that David says, “I will bless the Lord at all times.” That is when David commands us: “O taste and see that the LORD is good.”

So then some implications for your marriage.

Joel and Louise, this is your responsibility and your joy everyday, whether all seems to be going well or you’re under great stress: To wake up each morning and to pray:

“We will bless You, O Lord, this day. We will go to Your Word today and taste and see your goodness, reminding ourselves that as rebels against you, apart from Jesus we have no hope but only a fearful expectation of judgment. But because of His sacrifice, because of Your sovereign work of granting us eyes to see Jesus for Who He is, we are loved with an everlasting love this day and all the days of our life. What amazing goodness!

  • “Today and every day we will go to each other and taste and see Your goodness.
  • “Today and every day we will go to the world around us and taste and see your goodness: Weeping with those who weep, crying out for the pains of the world, rejoicing with those who rejoice, and rejoicing in your daily gifts of breath and vigor and . . . coffee.
  • “We will praise You continually as we rejoice in sustenance and love and family and friends,
  • “We will delight in Jesus above all the world has to offer
  • “By the power of the Holy Spirit we will live and love as Jesus in this world.
  • “Knowing that our life is a mere breath, we will breath in deeply, love fully, and live in light of eternity.
  • “We will taste Your goodness, O Lord; we will notice those tokens of love You drop in our path.
  • “You have placed us in this world to show – individually and as a couple – who You are and what You are worth, how You love, how You forgive.
  • “We may live a long life together, we may not;
  • “One of us or both of us may have successful and lucrative careers, we may not;
  • “We may have good health for decades, we may not:
  • “But whatever happens, whatever our circumstances, we will praise you continually with our mouths; we will taste and see that You are good.”

Joel and Louise, I know you already do this; I encourage you: Do it all the more, for this is the message of Psalm 34 for you: For you to treat this wedding day and every future day as a gift from God’s goodness – indeed, a picture, a foreshadowing of the final great day, the wedding banquet of Christ and His church. So that our tasting and seeing that He is good each day prepares us for that deepest, most satisfying joy, that final state that marriage points to: When Jesus Himself rejoices over His Bride, His Church, His people, redeemed by His blood and perfected by His love.

Live this out in your marriage; and so help prepare both yourselves and us all for the perfect marriage yet to come.

Reflections on Marriage and Idolatry on our 36th Anniversary

On Tuesday, Beth and I completed 36 years of marriage. As stated last week, the love I had for her on our Wedding Day has grown many-fold as we have shared life these decades, as I have come to know her better and better, as God has worked in both of our lives – often through each other – conforming us more and more to His likeness. Our relationship gives me more joy and delight than anything else in this world.

Could that be idolatry? Can I make my wife an idol?

Yes. Idolatry is a danger whenever we delight in things of this world.

And yet we are to rejoice!

Let’s flesh out how we can properly rejoice in God’s good gifts while avoiding idolatry by looking at Scripture’s commands to husbands and examining the nature of idolatry.

  • Husbands and wives are a unity, one flesh (Genesis 2:24). So we are to love our wives as our own bodies (Ephesians 5:28).
  • Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25). And Christ delights in His church! He rejoices over His church (Zephaniah 3:17).
  • Indeed, Scripture commands the husband to “be intoxicated always” in his wife’s love (Proverbs 5:15-19). This passage in Proverbs especially emphasizes joy in the sexual relationship – a central part of both husband and wife that is shared with no other.
  • A husband is to recognize, rejoice in, and honor his wife’s character and accomplishments, acknowledging God’s blessings in her (Proverbs 31:10-31).

So Beth giving me more joy and delight than anything else in this world – and my acknowledging that before others – might be biblical, might be healthy, might be God-honoring.

Yet instead it might be idolatry.

How can we make the distinction?

First, let’s clarify what an idol is. An idol is any person, power, or spirit that you rely on instead of God for satisfaction, security, accomplishment, and honor. Such idols can become the primary source of your identity – how you see yourself, how you define yourself.

So Beth becomes an idol if I find joy and satisfaction in her in and of herself, if I act or think as if I can only be happy if we are together, if I rejoice in her without seeing her as a gift from God, a lovely token of His love.

Instead, I am to “rejoice in the Lord always” (Philippians 4:4, emphasis added); I am to give thanks “always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ” (Ephesians 5:20, emphasis added – note that this is part of the same passage on being filled with the Spirit in which the Apostle gives his teaching on marriage); I am to “do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus” (Colossians 3:17, again in the context of instructions on marriage), that is, to His glory and praise.

Thus, our Lord Jesus says, “Whoever loves father or mother more than me is not worthy of me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me” (Matthew 10:37). Surely the statement carries over to husbands and wives. God must be supreme. Jesus must be our treasure. We must see ourselves as lost, without hope, without joy, without even identity unless we have Jesus. We must say with the psalmist, “Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You” (Psalm 73:25).

But when the Lord is our delight, when we see ourselves as His people, His sheep, His precious possession, when we do all things to His glory and praise, when we see all the good things in this life as tokens of His love and overflow with thankfulness when we receive them, then we are not only free to delight in our wives (and husbands and friends and health and trees and birds and sun and stars . . .), but we are commanded to do so. For that glorifies God.

C.S. Lewis uses the analogy of standing in a dark toolshed, looking at a beam of light shining through the crack above the door. He sees nothing else – the beam of light, shining on dust, is the most glorious thing visible. But then he turns his head to look up the beam, towards the sun itself. That is the source of the beam’s glory, and that is far, far more glorious.

Just so with us and all things in this world, including our spouses. There is glory in this world – and there is a special, personal display of glory for me in Beth. I can and should delight in her. But if she is not to be an idol, I must look up the beam to the source of all glory – to the One Who created her, Who gave her to me, Who made us one, Who redeemed us and sanctified us so that we would build up and not destroy our marriage, Who continues to work in us to our good and His glory. So my great delight in her becomes the prompt for praise and thanksgiving to the One Who is all-glorious.

Husbands, loves your wives. Delight in them. Be intoxicated with their love.

And look up the beam, thanking and praising Jesus. May He be your greatest delight.

Marriage and Gender

In light of the Supreme Court decision this week, I will take a week away from our Romans series and preach Sunday, July 5 on the implications of biblical truth for marriage, identity, and gender. We’ll consider implications for us as families, as a church, as citizens of the Kingdom of God, and as citizens of a secular state.

Note that our Statement of Faith Governing Teaching – which all DGCC elders must agree to without reservation – says explicitly that God appointed the first man and the first woman “different and complementary roles in marriage as a picture of Christ and the church.” From the beginning, God defined marriage as one man married to one woman as long as they both live (see, among others, Mark 10:2-9). That has not changed, and will not change.

So let us respond to these cultural shifts and legal decisions with:

  • prayer, for our country, our children, our witness, our lost friends and family;
  • confidence, that God is in control of all things, and is working all together for the good of His people and the glory of His Name;
  • firmness, knowing that “the grass withers, the flowers fade, but the Word of our God will stand forever” (Isaiah 40:8);
  • loving witness, for those who differ with us on these issues, together with all our neighbors, co-workers, families, and friends;
  • boldness, knowing that if God is for us, who can be against us? (Romans 8:31-39);
  • joyful perseverance, knowing that hardship, trials, and even possibly persecution may well come in the future over these very issues  – but if we suffer for His sake, we are blessed (Matthew 5:11-12, Acts 5:40-42, Hebrews 10:32-39).

Do pray also for me as I prepare this sermon.

In the meantime, I recommend you read these posts on this issue:

From John Piper: So-Called Same-Sex Marriage: The New Calamity

From the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, but signed by a wide spectrum of evangelical leaders: Here We Stand: An Evangelical Declaration on Marriage

 

 

Why Did a Davidson Math Major and Stanford PhD Submit Himself to the Authority of Scripture? The Authority of Scripture, Part 3

Over three blog posts, we’re considering our position before God’s revelation in Scripture. Two weeks ago, we looked at the biblical image of us as two-year-olds before God. Last week, we considered the impact of sin on our ability to think and reason. Today, I’ll tell my own story of coming to submit myself to the authority of Scripture.

I graduated from Davidson as an excellent student and an accomplished athlete. I believed I could do anything I set my mind to doing. For to that point in my life, I either had – or had a good excuse for why I hadn’t.

I called myself a Christian. I read the Bible – occasionally. I had read all the New Testament, and perhaps eighty percent of the Old. I thought I knew it.

But I did not believe in the authority of Scripture. I was not under the Word; rather, I was over it, judging it. If Scripture seemed reasonable to me, I liked it and followed it – and used it to justify what I already believed. If it didn’t seem reasonable to me, I didn’t follow it. So in the end, my own reason was my authority – my own fallen reason, my own sin-soaked reason.

I had grown up in the Washington, DC area. Many of my friends in high school had parents with bad marriages – usually because the father was a workaholic, neglecting his wife and children. So even while I was in high school, I told myself: Should I ever get married, I won’t be like that. I will make the marriage work.

By the time of my Davidson graduation, I was seriously involved with the perfect woman, Beth. There was no question: Our marriage would work. We loved each other; we were committed to each other; and we were both wonderful. Of course our marriage would be wonderful.

Yet two and a half years after our wedding, the marriage was in disarray. Indeed, it was falling apart. One pivotal night thirty-one years ago, I had to acknowledge that I was destroying our marriage, Beth, this supposedly perfect woman, was destroying our marriage, and there was nothing I could do to keep it from dissolving. Indeed, I had to recognize that, left to my own devices, I would continue to destroy it.

I was an economics PhD student, but I was not maximizing my utility. Instead: I was destroying what I really loved and wanted most.

That night, I confessed my sin before God, and asked His forgiveness through the blood of Jesus.

God worked powerfully that night. I still didn’t believe in the authority of Scripture. But I did see that my putting myself above scriptural authority was part of the problem. I had ignored parts of Scripture that I didn’t want to listen to – and some of those parts spoke directly to the issues in our marriage.

So I began reading the Bible in a fresh way. I asked God to give me insight into it. I prayed for wisdom to understand His Word. I beseeched God to change me through His Word.

As I approached Scripture as a supplicant, I began to see more and more of myself described in it. Particularly powerful was Romans 7, where Paul describes exactly what I had gone through:

I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.  For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7:21-25)

As I read this and other Scriptures over the course of the next eighteen months, God convinced me of Scripture’s authority. Though I wouldn’t have used these terms at that time, this is how it came about:

I recognized that I had been seeing God as the coach and myself as His quarterback, or God as president and myself as Secretary of State. And I had to acknowledge that I was not even His second string defensive tackle. I had thought that God was fortunate to have someone with my talents and abilities to call himself a Christian; and I had to acknowledge that I was the problem, not the solution to God’s problems.

I had made my own reason my ultimate authority, judging Scripture by it. Because of the noetic effects of sin, I had to acknowledge that my reason could never play that role; I could not understand His Scriptures apart from Him, apart from His help. Indeed, I would without fail distort them and misinterpret them for my own selfish – and ultimately harmful – purposes.

But when I approached His Word with humility, I discovered the truth of Proverbs 2:3-6:

If you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver and search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the LORD and find the knowledge of God. For the LORD gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding.

I then saw that I was only God’s two-year-old. That is, I had nothing that would make Him want to choose me, nothing that would make Him want to have me on His team.

“Only” His two-year-old – that was a humbling thought. However, I was His two-year-old! I was His precious child! This process of putting myself under the authority of Scripture was not solely an intellectual process, a way of coming to Truth – but it was fundamentally relational. I was His beloved child – He chose me out of His own goodness and mercy, He gave His Son for me, He welcomed me into His presence.

He accommodated Himself to my capacity; He spoke baby talk to me so that I could be like a weaned child with his mother: so that I could rest in Him and delight in Him.

So that’s how a Davidson math major and Stanford PhD came to submit himself to the authority of Scripture.

So where are you? Do you doubt the authority of Scripture?

If so, take this test: Commit yourself every day to come humbly before the Word of God. Follow some systematic plan for reading through Scripture (the Bible Unity Plan is one option). Before you read each day, pray to God something like this: “God, if You exist, and if the Bible is indeed Your revelation, then it tells me I cannot understand it on my own. In my inner being, I really do want know the Truth; I want to submit to the Truth. So if the Bible is Your Word, open up this passage to me. Enable me to understand it and apply it. If it is Your revelation, open my eyes to see that truth.”

I challenge you: Make that commitment. And then go to the Word in that way every day – for thirty years.  I trust that God, by then, will have answered your prayer.

(A final blog post will point to other recommended references concerning the authority of Scripture.)

(For printing, download this pdf file.)

The Compost Pile: An Analogy of Forgiveness and Forbearance in Marriage

[This article was originally written six years ago, when John Piper was preaching the series of sermons that eventually became This Momentary Marriage. The sermon referred to here was revised to become chapter 4 of the book. Beth and I use this document both in preparing couples for marriage, and in helping those who are dealing with marital problems.]

This last Sunday, John Piper continued his series on marriage, discussing forbearance and forgiveness. In conclusion, he relates an analogy he and his wife have found helpful. What follows is an edited transcription of that analogy; I’ll extend it with some additional thoughts afterwards:

The compost pile: Trying to pull together forbearance and forgiveness and all the things we’ve seen – I’m closing with the compost pile. Picture your marriage . . . as a grassy field. You enter it at the beginning full of hope and joy. You look out on the field and you see beautiful flowers and grass stretching and rolling hills and trees. . . . It is beautiful. You want to walk in this all your days. (The grass, the flowers, the hills, the sky, the warm breeze: [these represent] not what happens to you, [but] the relationship. . . . I’m describing the relationship). And on the wedding day, I want this woman, and I want this man, and we want to be together, to walk in the beautiful fields of green grass, and spring flowers, and trees, and hills, and bright sunshine and cool breezes. That’s the way [we think] it’s going to be. But before long, you step in a cow pie. And in some seasons of your marriage they seem to be everywhere: “This is not grass; this is just manure!” Late at night they become especially prevalent. . . . These [cow pies] are sins, flaws, idiosyncrasies, weaknesses, annoying habits in your spouse. And you try to forgive them and you try to forbear.

The problem is, they can tend to dominate the relationship. Everywhere you step, it smells. It may not be true that they’re everywhere; it just feels that way. I think the combination of forbearance and forgiveness leads to the creation of a compost pile. Here at the compost pile, you and your wife or husband begin to shovel cow pies into this pile. And you put a fence around it to hold them in. And you look at each other and you simply admit that there are a lot of cow pies, . . . [saying,] “You and I bring a lot of cow pies to this relationship.” And you say to each other, “You know, we’ve got to do this because [these cow pies are] all we’re thinking about. I mean, we’re looking for them to step in. So let’s get them and throw them in one place. Let’s throw them in a . . . compost pile. Compost can do some good. . . . When we have to, we will go there . . . and we’ll smell it, and we’ll feel bad and we’ll deal with it as best we can. Then, we’ll walk away from the pile . . . and we’ll set our eyes on the rest of field.” [This] is right at the heart of what I’m trying to say. Satan and our flesh can begin to take a few disappointments, a few frustrations, and multiply them so out of proportion that we think there is no green grass anywhere, there are no flowers anywhere, there are no trees, there are no hills, there is no sunshine – which is an absolute lie. And then we say to each other, “We’re going to walk away from that pile and set our eyes on the rest of the field, and we’re going to pick some favorite paths and hills that we know are not strewn with cow pies. And we’re going to be thankful that that part of the field . . . is sweet.” It may be a small part now, but that part is sweet.

Our hands may be dirty. And our backs may ache from all the shoveling. But we know one thing: We will not pitch our tent by the compost pile. . . . We won’t go live there. We won’t retreat there. We won’t lick our wounds there. . . . We will go there when we must. This is the gift of grace that we will give each other again and again and again. . . . Why? Because you and I are chosen and holy and loved.

This is covenant keeping. I recognize that I am a forgiven sinner. And, with eyes wide open, not eyes that are blind to her faults, I recognize that Beth is a forgiven sinner. Furthermore, I recognize that she and I are credited with the righteousness of Christ Himself. And so, having been forgiven much, and living with a forgiven sinner who has  Christ’s righteousness, I promise to pick up all the cow pies that she is responsible for that are strewn over the hills of our marriage, and carry them to the compost pile and leave them there. She promises to do the same.

That’s the promise. And that’s vital in marriage. It’s vital in any intimate Christian relationship.

But then a miracle happens. Have you ever had a compost pile? We keep vegetable scraps under our kitchen sink before carrying them out to the compost pile. And sometimes, if we’re slow to take out the buckets, they can smell putrid by the time we take them out. Even rinsing out the container can be a chore. It stinks! The compost pile smells rotten when you first dump the bucket on it. But if you add some dirt and leaves and mix it and turn it occasionally – after a few weeks, it no longer smells bad. Instead, it smells fresh. Deep. Earthy. And if you then take that compost and spread it over the grassy fields, the grass sucks up the nutrients, and thrives, and becomes deep and thick and luscious and green.

Just so in marriage. The compost created by all the forgiveness and forbearance represented in the pile deepens and enriches the marriage. You now grow wonderful grass in areas where, in the past, the hilltop was barren and bleak. You can now stop and rest – yes, you can enjoy – parts of your shared life that previously were messy and stinking and unapproachable. You can laugh at your former insensitivity and stand amazed at what God’s grace has done in your shared life through His Spirit’s enablement of forgiveness and forbearance. Oh, you will each continue to create cow pies. But your covenant is: “I will take these to the compost pile. And I believe that God will use these too to enrich, and not to make barren, our life.”

Will you make that covenant with your present – or future – spouse? Will you commit to forgiving and forbearing one another – to the glory of God? Will you practice covenant faithfulness?

That is my commitment to you: To model such faithfulness in my marriage, to seek forgiveness quickly when I do not, and to help you to live this out through opening up the Word. May God be pleased within DGCC to make us a people who forbear, who forgive – and who thus make wonderful, nourishing compost to the glory of God.